Transformative Principle #4: Release the Death Grip, Restore the Humor

These Transformative Principles are part of a series on achieving permanent health change that began on March 21.  The "principles" are not meant to be gospel.  They are simply thoughts of mine that are based on observation of successful maintainers, personal experience and--to some degree-- my own conjecture.  I hope they provide some food for thought as you continue your own quest for health transformation.

It seems to me that many people who are trying to transform have the feeling that they are holding on for dear life.  It's not uncommon for maintainers to write about their "white-knuckled grip" on new behaviors.  Constant vigilance, which is necessary

What strange beings we are.  Here we are trying to accomplish something that must rank up there with one of the most difficult challenges in the world, yet we don't want to give ourselves any credit for the attempt.  Only success will do.  We find ourselves clawing at perfection and hating ourselves for failure. 

Transformation is a process of shaping; of getting closer with each new try.   I once had a friend whose child was having many difficulties.  She told me that a psychologist had described her child's trajectory by comparing it to the course of an airplane.  A plane doesn't actually fly in a straight line, the therapist had said. At any given moment, it veers off course a bit with the prevailing winds.  It goes slightly too high, slightly too low, this way and that, and then corrects.  The point is that it eventually gets to its intended landing spot. 

Health transformation won't work if you allow each deviation to provide a reason to quit.  If you give up because you get blown off the path, the journey stops there.  But since deviations in the trajectory are normal to development, it does us no particular good to grip the process with clenched hands.  Relax.
Remember to laugh. 

In my book, I write about intensity.  I talk about being a "warrior" and being "tough, not moderate" in your approach to transformation.  I still believe in those principles and I will write about them later in this series.  But let me add another analogy, this one from the tennis world.  (I really like analogies!)

My tennis coach was recently teaching me how to hit a volley.  The volley is a shot that's hit directly at you when you are standing up at the net.  Because you are so far forward in the court, that shot comes at you fast.  You must block the ball with your racquet quickly to avoid getting hit right in the nose.  It's scary standing up there with someone on the other side gunning for you.  As a beginner, your tendency is to hold onto the racquet for dear life.  Your hands are clenched so tightly that they can hardly move.  Your eyes look like saucers.  Your jaw is tight.  All the muscles in your body are tensed with anticipation.  There's only one problem.  As soon as you tighten up, you can't react to the ball.  So my teacher taught me a technique.  Keep everything loose and relaxed.  Force yourself.  As the ball approaches, THAT is the time to squeeze the racquet using a firm grip.  Relax.  React.  Firm Up.

And when the ball hits you in the nose, shake your head and laugh at your imperfect game.  Once, just a few years ago, you couldn't even contact the ball with your racquet.
You can be tough, determined, in fact a better warrior if you learn to relax.  You're on a journey.  It's strange, funny, human, and beautiful. Enjoy the ride.

These Transformative Principles are part of a series on achieving permanent health change that began on March 21.  The "principles" are not meant to be gospel.  They are simply thoughts of mine that are based on observation of successful maintainers, personal experience and--to some degree-- my own conjecture.  I hope they provide some food for thought as you continue your own quest for health transformation.

Transformative Principle #3:  Find Others Who Have Transformed

Many of my maintenance patients seem to relate to the following analogy: 

Everyone you know is having a great time swimming in the ocean.  The only problem is that the ocean is terribly polluted.  Large blobs of chocalatey brown oil are bobbing all over the surface. People are swimming in it, swallowing it and inhaling the fumes, yet they claim they are enjoying themselves. You see this going on and become increasingly concerned about the danger.  Suddenly, you see a beautiful island.  Exhausted from the drag of the oily sea, you pull yourself up onto the shore.  Like a pelican in the gulf, you are coated in oil.  You set the work on the laborious task of cleaning it all off.  Finally, spent but relieved, you turn to look at the beautiful place where you've found rescue.  There's only one problem: you are all alone on the island. 

Almost everyone who tries to accomplish transformation feels like the odd-man out.  Eating mindlessly while complaining about health and weight is a cultural norm.  We are social beings and living life in another permutation ostracizes us to some degree.  It becomes increasingly difficult to avoid the pressure to return to the fold.

Successful transformation is infinitely easier if your island is populated.  Thanks to the internet, this is a lot easier to do now.  After losing over 100 pounds, Lynn began a chat room relationship with a group of women who call themselves "The Maintaining Divas".  Years into the process, they remain close and even travel to reunions so they can talk face to face.

One of the best pillars for transformation is having another like-minded person in your household.  Generally, this is a spouse or significant other.

These Transformative Principles are part of a series on achieving permanent health change that began on March 21.  The "principles" are not meant to be gospel.  They are simply thoughts of mine that are based on observation of successful maintainers, personal experience and--to some degree-- my own conjecture.  I hope they provide some food for thought as you continue your own quest for health transformation. 

Transformative Principle #2: Transformation requires re-engaging with your body.

As people gain weight, they often create a separation between themselves and their bodies. The mirror may become their enemy.  Clothes that define their shape may be passed over in favor of garments that conceal. They may not want to exercise because they are afraid of how they may look.

It's surprisingly easy to live entirely in your head, blocking out not only visuals but the messages that your body is sending.  Modern medicine is a terrific thing, but sometimes we cede control to doctors as a way of further distancing ourselves from our own physical aspect.  It's easier to have a cortisone injection in your knee than to heal that knee yourself.  It's scientific and unemotional to swallow cholesterol medicine.  It's messy to look at the way you've been eating and try to turn it off.

Those who have undergone transformation still see their flaws.  They may not like them  (see Lynn's piece on The Green House), but they are looking and they are connected.

Transformation is about wanting to take care of yourself in a deep and permanent way.  It's impossible to care for something that remains shrouded from view.  So start looking.

I don't believe in platitudes like "You need to learn to love yourself" or "You just need to do more for YOU".  Wanting to transform is not a switch you can flip from off to on.   Working on inhabiting the part of you that lies below your collar bones is part of the long and scary process of changing.

This is where physical activity can be very helpful.  Movement, exercise, things that force the body into action put you into direct communion with your muscles, bones and organs.  This part of the transformation prescription need not be strenuous.  It might be Tai Chi, walking in the park, or slow stretchy yoga. It might be quiet meditation with deep, complete breathing.  It might be private time with a "Sweatin' to the Oldies" DVD.  Or it might simply be more time looking at yourself and passing over your faults in favor of reminding yourself of your body's amazing potential for rebuilding and recovery. 

E.M. Forster begins his celebrated novel Howard's End with a single phrase…."Only connect….."  The meaning of these words has been debated ever since the book's publication.  Some think it refers to the inability of certain characters to relate to other people.  Whatever it's intended meaning, it remains an emblem of Forster.  These two words shimmer because we all understand that we are nothing without connection: whether it is with our friends, our children, our spouses, or our world.  And that connection begins with an appreciation for our very selves and for the bodies  that have been gifted to us.  Connect with that body and it can begin to heal.